Counterfactuals don't exist

Spoilers for The Alpinist below

---

I watched The Alpinist today. It's about Marc-André Leclerc, an alpinist known for his solo ascents of difficult mountain routes. The film covered Leclerc's life and his climbs, but because Leclerc did not allow cameras to film his hardest climbs, most of the movie lacked emotional substance. Right as the film was set to be released, however, Leclerc passed away in a climbing accident. The director captured the aftermath of the tragedy, leading to a poignant moment when Leclerc's girlfriend, Brett, describes her grief. She was swept up by a "shockwave" of pain that ushered in a new era of her life.

I was touched by the bluntness of his death, how it suddenly cleaved Brett's life into the before and the after. From a naïve outsider's view, I think her trauma captures one of the most permanent shackles of life: counterfactuals don't exist. Dreams of what might have been are confined to our imagination, divorced from any causal 'oomph'. She probably contends with a wretched pain, weaved into her memories of him. Memories that she unfortunately will never stitch any more of.

Her struggles don't seem worthless. Suffering through and overcoming difficulties are the impetus for people to mature into a richer version of themselves. But is there any reason to live a fuller life? All of my experiences will evaporate when I pass. I think that one of the scarier realizations in life is that there isn't much meaning behind it. Everyone subconsciously appears to know this, so they self-impose stressors to guide them towards fulfillment. A God-fearing Christian who answers to her pastor isn't so different from the technocratic philanthropist who answers to 'society', nor from a doting mother who answers to her children. Most people have their own hero arc. And if someone loses sight of what to care about, then he can look to society to set him "back on track".

So everyone is pursuing their 'best self'? Maybe I innately know who I am, so of course I end up becoming myself. I don't buy this. As I mentioned, life involves too much (wonderful) chance for anything to be predestined. But how do I know that I'm living well? Maybe I would be more fulfilled if I had pursued more friendships, or had earned more money, or had read less manga (nah)? Sorry, counterfactuals don't exist.

But maybe that's not so bad. Counterfactuals don't exist. What I end up doing, whom I meet, whom I marry will definitely be affected by the whims of the world. Yet I won't know what it would have been like any other way. And thus, when the time comes, I'll make my decision, happily unaware of my other selves. The only thing I need to have faith in is my brain and its dogged neuroplasticity. (Otherwise, how could I ever write posts as cringe as I did previously??)

---

I'm going to Berkeley in the fall, so hmu if you're near the bay! Choosing where to go was my second big decision (or maybe third, if I count deciding to do ML) in my life, so I wrote the above thoughts as a culmination of my thinking these past few weeks. I like to believe that I think rationally, but I am certain that my emotions guide a majority of my big decisions. And that's not a bad thing!

I was definitely leaning towards Berkeley over CMU, but I am more ambivalent about my decision than not. In any case, I am definitely excited to do research full time :D